Romance isn’t really my genre, but I’m gonna tell you love stories today. In fact, I’m going to talk about marriage.
In the US, about 40% to 50% of marriages end in divorce, and the percentage increases in subsequent marriages. Furthermore, the divorce rate among the over 50 crowd have doubled in the past few decades. It’s tripled among those over 65. (Sources: Pew Research Center & National Council on Family Relations)
You’d guess, by looking at those numbers, that Americans—particularly older Americans—don’t have great marriages. In particular, data suggest that our Baby Boomers aren’t that good at marriage.
However, I have a front row seat to some marriages that remind me that love isn’t just what you see in romantic comedies. Love isn’t about having a perfect life or a perfect marriage—which is a good thing because (despite what you might assume from a Facebook or Insta scroll) none of us have either.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to a gentleman whose wife has dementia. In the middle of the conversation, he drops this crazy statement matter-of-factly: “Moving wasn’t such a big deal for her because I got the same countertops and all.”
He continued for a few seconds until I interrupted.
“Wait. Stop. What about the countertops?” I asked. “You did what?”
He explained to me that he worried his wife would be stressed by transitioning to a new environment, so he completely re-did the kitchen in their new home to resemble the kitchen in their old home. Countertops. Cabinets. Backsplash.
To me, this was much more impressive than any renovation by Chip and Joanna Gaines. I had a moment where I fantasized about starting a new HGTV show called Dementia Reno, where people with dementia would move and I’d redo their new homes to look like their old homes. (Then I remembered that I once tried to use spray paint to paint my oven hood. Yeah, I know. You can’t do that.)
This man didn’t seem to think this was a big deal. He told me about it as if every guy who has a wife with dementia does a kitchen reno so his wife has less anxiety and confusion about their new home.
I do understand that not everyone has the resources to do this. Finances matter when it comes to dementia. More money means more options. This man had the money, he had the option, and he made it happen.
He didn’t see himself as a hero. He was just trying to make life a little bit easier for his wife. It worked.
I meet people like this all the time. Sometimes we use the words caregiver, care partner, or carer—but many folks don’t identify with those terms. In fact, I’ve done seminars for caregivers and struggled to attract a crowd. People tell me they care for their spouses because…well…they love them, but they don’t label themselves as anything other than a husband or wife. And they’re just doing what husbands and wives do.
I know a man who struggled to find a way to engage his wife as her dementia progressed…until he made a work desk and placed it in their basement. Every morning she goes to “work” and he gives her a task. Maybe it’s putting stickers on envelopes. Or filing. Or signing letters. A former secretary, she has a sense of purpose again. He was very excited about the Black Friday sale at Office Depot. He presented her with a new office chair as a reward for her hard work. He’s not sure if she knows he is her husband, but she says he is the best boss she’s ever had.
“Tell me when it’s boss’s day,” she once said. “I’ll make you cookies.”
I know a woman who drives her husband around in the Iowa countryside for four hours every Sunday. He loves to visit his old farm, which is a couple hours from where they live now. The people who now live at the farm let him walk around the property. Sometimes he thinks he still farms there. His wife says it’s the only time he seems genuinely happy lately. She’ll do it every week until it no longer brings him pleasure.
There’s also a woman in our community who has been known to “stalk” her husband, who has dementia, when he goes on walks. He enjoys solitary walks, but she worries he’ll get confused and not be able to make it home. She follows about an eighth of a mile behind. If he should turn around, she ducks behind a tree or bush. She told me she occasionally worries some observer will call the police.
I asked this woman how long she and her husband had been married. She surprised me when she told me they were married only five years ago—after he had starting showing dementia symptoms. She said she worried he’d forget her earlier in his disease process since they’d been married a shorter time.
“I’ve been wondering,” she said to me, “Can a person still love you when they don’t know who are you?”
I’ve been asked this question before, and I always answer with a definitive yes.
I once heard a man with dementia tell his wife, “I don’t think I’ve met you before, but you are always so nice to me.”
Maybe there are times when the head doesn’t remember but the heart does.
So this is for all of my dementia spouses…
I want you to know that I appreciate what you are doing day in and day out.
I know you get tired. And I know you get frustrated. But you get out of bed every single day and roll with the crazy life that dementia creates. Sometimes you laugh and sometimes you cry—maybe you’ve done both at the same time. You work really hard to create moments of joy that your spouse may or may not remember, but you think it’s worth it all the same. And you’re right.
Some of you have spouses who are able to thank you. Some of you have spouses who cannot show their gratitude. If your spouse can’t thank you, I want to thank you on their behalf.
Maybe you’ve had to learn new skills. Perhaps your spouse always managed the finances, and now it’s in your lap. Maybe your spouse was the cook, and now you are learning how to throw together crockpot meals and use the George Foreman. Or perhaps you had to take over mowing the grass, managing car repairs, or changing the cat litter. It’s not only that there’s an emotional toll…there’s really just a lot to do. Your load is heavier.
A guy once told me he never knew how much his wife accomplished in a day until she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and was unable to do what she had done for the previous thirty years. He told me that picking up the slack was a big challenge for him.
“Dementia doubled my chores,” one woman told me.
Stop. Take a second right now. Pat yourself on the back for the added responsibilities that you’ve mastered.
And—if your spouse isn’t able to buy you a gift this holiday season, do me a favor and buy yourself a little something. If you don’t have the time to go shopping, no worries. I mean, it’s Cyber Monday. They are practically giving stuff away online. And you’re reading this blog, so I know you know how to use the internet. Do it now. (Well, after you’re done reading this.)
If your spouse is in a nursing home or memory care community, stop feeling guilty you aren’t there more. If you raised your voice at your spouse recently because they asked the same question for the millionth time, stop beating yourself up and move on. If you’ve made what you consider to be a poor decision in regard to your spouse’s care, let it go. And if you let your frustration get the best of you (which we all have), take a deep breath. It’s okay.
You didn’t have a perfect marriage before, and you don’t have one now, but you get yourself out of bed each and every morning and continue to do the best you can in circumstances that you would have not chosen.
And that’s enough.